At this point the initial shock of Goodwin’s death has finally passed. I have accepted my situation. Some days my emotions are close to the surface, but other days I can be genuinely happy and involved in my present situation. I feel a lot of gratitude for this ability to cope, and I attribute it largely to the prayers of others. So thank you. People still ask me how I’m doing, and although I can’t say I am happy beyond reason, I do feel peaceful. But it’s frustrating and maddening too. It’s really hard to be pregnant for almost a year and then never receive a reward for your sacrifice. Everyday life continues and although I’m fine most of the time, I still just wish I had my baby.
I was recently given a book with many comforting teachings regarding infant death. I wanted to share some of my favorites.
In Gospel Doctrine Joseph F. Smith wrote:
Joseph Smith declared that the mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction, and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of the stature of its spirit…. When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here the results are unknown until after we have passed the test.
A mother, M. Isabella Horne, also wrote:
… The prophet [Joseph Smith] wanted to comfort us, and he told us that we should receive those children in the morning of the resurrection just as we laid them down, in purity and innocence, and we should nourish and care for them as their mothers…. The idea that I got from what he said was that the children would grow and develop in the Millennium, and that the mothers would have the pleasure of training and caring for them, which they had been deprived of in this life.
Although I still wish that Goodwin was here, I am grateful for the peaceful teachings of the gospel that help me to have patience.