A couple weeks ago Eldon and I were listening to Les Misérables (and voting on our favorite renditions). I was struck, as always, listening to I Dreamed a Dream, especially in light of our baby’s death. The most powerful part for me is when Fantine says how she dreamed her life would be different and that there are dreams that cannot be.
I started reflecting about life and how we have various dreams for ourselves. For me, it was always that I would get married and have kids and be happy. True, a lot of that has happened, but the huge trial of having our baby boy unexpectedly die was not in the plan. When I was a teenager I thought that life was difficult when I had a stressful test or when I felt lonely. Sometimes we talk about trials and difficulties in the light that they will eventually end and that endurance is only required for a certain time. But some things are permanent and will always burden us. I certainly believe that our burdens can be lightened, but the death of a baby is a heavy sorrow. Every day I wish I had had the opportunity to know who this little person was.
Having been through this difficulty my eyes have been opened to the suffering of many others. Intellectually I could understand how difficult it might be to lose someone, but now I have empathy. I think about the individuals I know personally who dreamed their lives would be different too. Who dreamed they would get married, who dreamed they would be able to have children – or more children, who dreamed they would grow old together with their spouse, who dreamed their marriage would last.
In religion we talk about God’s will. Was it God’s will for Goodwin to die? Was it God’s will that my friend had to die from cancer? Was it God’s will that my friend couldn’t have more children even though it was a noble desire? Since Goodwin’s death, I have come to believe that God’s will has little to do with actual events. I believe that we live in a natural world where death, disease, and the choices of others affect us. Do I believe that Goodwin would have lived if he had been born early? Yes, I think it’s probable. Is there a natural reason why he died? Yes: my placenta stopped functioning properly, thus leading to low amniotic fluid and lack of nutrients. My point is this: I don’t believe that it was God’s will that Goodwin should die. I believe that God’s will is to depend on him during a trial such as this and to use the grace of God to have my heart softened. I think God’s will is quite universal – turn to Him in our struggles and He will comfort us and strengthen us. As we do this, we will become more like Him (which is also His will).
Another issue that has bothered me since this event is the idea of miracles. We talk about miracles and how whenever something good happens that we don’t expect, it’s a miracle. Someone miraculously survives a terrible car accident. Someone has a baby two months pre-mature and he survives without complications (admittedly this one was hard for me since we had just lost our baby). But what about all the millions of innocent individuals who aren’t saved from natural disasters, war, or other crimes? Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t have a feeling or prompting to warn me that something was wrong. To me, our common definition of miracles makes God seem like a respecter of persons (which is in opposition to the scriptures). I almost felt betrayed that God wouldn’t warn me about my baby when many people seem to get warnings to protect them from danger.
In light of this, I have come to believe that miracles also have little to do with actual events. I think about Jesus in the bible and how he healed the sick and afflicted. In one instance He forgives the man’s sins and then heals his body so he can walk. I believe the healing of the man’s body was a physical representation of the healing that happened inside of him. I believe that miracles are internal. The fact that I can be happy again after losing a baby is a miracle to me. Certainly, I don’t know exactly how God works. I have no idea if the events we call miracles are actually influenced by the power of God or if there are natural reasons why they happened. Whatever. But what I can know is how my heart changes.
My husband and I struggled with the role of God after Goodwin’s death for some of the reasons I’ve explained here already. What is He good for if He won’t help us with the things we want in life that are good? As we talked about it, I came to the conclusion that God is exactly who He says He is, our Father. As a father, He is there to comfort us and support us in our struggles. Maybe He intervenes, but by and large, I think he allows the natural world and the agency of others to control the events in our lives. I feel like His influence is very internal and spiritual, which then helps us deal with the external.
These ideas have also influenced how I understand prayer. Before Goodwin’s death, I prayed for what I wanted and needed, hoping that God would fulfill my desires. But maybe God answers our prayers differently than we suppose. Maybe we should pray for an ability to deal with the events around us, not necessarily for God to change those events. Otherwise, we may believe that if it doesn’t work out then God didn’t listen (or it wasn’t God will). If it does work out then it was a miracle. Like I’ve discussed here, I don’t know if those ideas are true. I believe that God does listen to us. I believe that God’s will is to turn to Him in our struggles for comfort. And I believe that miracles happen regardless of actual events; they happen in our hearts. If God affects our hearts, then maybe our prayers should focus more on aspects of our heart, so we can cope with the events around us.
Ultimately, I believe that God exists. I know that the comfort that comes from Him is real. Certainly I wish Goodwin had lived. But this is a dream that cannot be. I believe that we live in a natural world and events may occur in our lives that are out of of control. But despite the disappointment we feel, I believe that God our Father will be there to shoulder our burdens as any loving parent would.
I thought about you when we visited my baby brother’s grave this weekend. He would have been 18 on Saturday. I know I don’t feel the loss you do as Goodwin’s mother, but I wanted to tell you that it gets better. At first when we visited, we would tell our stories of that fateful day, over and over. We needed that. But we also remembered how grateful we were that Mom was still with us and that we had the promise of seeing Thomas John again. I feel like Thomas John is and continues to be a blessing in my family’s life because he brings us together to remember how much we love each other and the sweetness of God’s promises. He’s part of our lives because of these memories we’ve made over the years, visiting him, thinking about him, wondering what he might be like if he’d lived, wondering what he’s doing now, and looking forward to reminiscing when we see him again. Hold on, Stephanie, because there is nothing so wrong, so painful, or so broken that God can’t make it into something breathtakingly beautiful, given a little time and trust.
These thoughts of yours resonate with me a different way, too, because my life definitely hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would (so far, anyway). I don’t know how much God’s will factors into the details of that. But I DO have a good life – a very good life – and I believe God has a plan for me. I know He hears my prayers, and I’ve seen enough answers to know He still hears the prayers I’m still awaiting answers for. And like you said, no matter what happens, I know He’ll be there to help me through. I think maybe He can give me new dreams. I’m choosing to trust Him and keep moving forward.
Something Pres. Monson said in the last conference really heartens me, and I hope it helps you too: “Such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were – better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.”
Love you, Stephanie.
This was wonderful to read, thank you. I have struggled so much with the way the world talks about miracles and this brought great insight. The real miracle is always our hearts changing for the better, sometimes there are outer manifestations when death or whatever is skirted. Thank you for helping me to find more clarity on the matter. 🙂
Great writing Steph, beautifully summed up several months of discussions. Clarifying God’s role doesn’t diminish His love, it simply prevents us from building vulnerable constructs of faith that can cause us to ultimately question our faith in Him when the harsh realities of this life knock us down.
This was so interesting for me to read. Here’s why: After having had 4 babies in 4 1/2 years I was determined to get a break. So I waited until I felt I was rested up & a little more organized & we got pregnant (in actuality, this baby would only be 2 1/2 years younger than my youngest). We even went on a family vacation during the pregnancy & it was nice to have most everyone out of diapers. The baby was due in October. On the 30th of September while I was just eating dinner, I felt a pain (somewhat like a contraction) that was so strong I had to start Lamaze breathing at the table. Bill was at work & the kids looked at me asking if I was all right. I told them I needed to lie down. I called Bill & he told me to call the doctor, who told me to go on in to the hosp. & get checked. They decided to try to stop the “labor” & after the doctor “checked” me I was just trying to relax. A nurse came in to get an IV started & had a hard time getting it. She asked me to lay on my side & I asked her if I had to. She said yes & I started shaking a little, from the pain, just trying to turn over. She seemed almost annoyed & asked if I was really in that much pain. I asked her if my uterus could be rupturing. She asked me why I would ask such a question. I told her that my last baby was a c-section. She told me that she wouldn’t be telling me any symptoms or I would be sure I was having them. The nurses tried to put a fetal monitor on me, but the baby kept moving away & the nurses were very busy with some emergencies that had come in. About an hour or two later a nurse came in to take my blood pressure & found it to be 60 over 0. She said that something was obviously wrong with the cuff. So she got another one & it came out the same. Then the doctor was called – they could find no heartbeat & they were taking me into surgery. My uterus had ruptured on the c-section scar of the last baby (my only c-section).After the baby was stillborn, Bill & his brother Leon were determined to administer to the baby & they were anxious to see it as soon as possible. They thought, perhaps, with the priesthood, God would allow a miracle. When they saw the baby they were encouraged as she looked more alive in death than some babies in incubators do. But that miracle was denied. And we struggled with the same questions & dilemmas that you have. I decided that although there are seemingly true miracles (no way to explain how something occured), that there also had to be reverse or anti miracles. Like the Titanic: The ship sinking shouldn’t have happened, but if it did, life boats should have saved many lives, people should have been able to get off the ship sooner. All the ways that a miracle could have helped save many more lives were not materialized. In Spencer W. Kimball’s book about miracles he talks about people who ask “why” when denied the miracles they hoped for. He admitted that he couldn’t answer that question. But he believed that if He chose, God could fly all planes, prevent all accidents & cure all illnesses…but He does not. We have to trust that some day we will understand. And we can use these challenges for growth & to comfort those who will have similar challenges. (Bill’s mom was a great comfort to me, I knew she understood having lost two sons. Ironically, I felt blessed to have lost my baby before I knew her as a 3 or 4 year old or even a teenager. She thought (or maybe just said for my benefit) that losing a baby so close to delivery would be worse because you could never get to know that child. So God allowed us each a challenge we could bear. Bill had a dream once that he saw the face of God. (This was actually after we left the church.) In the dream he asked why God had not spoken or appeared in a way to answer his prayers. The face spoke and said “My gift to you is life.”
I grieved for a while after losing Rebecca, & in a way that was more obvious than Bill’s. He dealt by not wanting to talk about it. That’s where his mom was wonderful. She was willing & open to listen to me & talk to me. And after two years, we were blessed with another baby girl. My happiness was greater & deeper after my grief. For a long time, I couldn’t talk Rebecca without crying. But after talking about it enough, I finally could. Ironically, when my youngest daughter found out she was having a baby girl, she asked how I would feel about her using the name Rebecca for her. I was delighted! And now, when I hear the name Rebecca, I usually think about my darling grand daughter. Reading your blog brought back a lot of memories & some tears again. But this time, not for me. I have a feeling that I can imagine what you’re going through. And I’m so sorry you have had to go through this. But on the other hand, I would not be the same person I am today, if I had not gone through that. Like you, I realize that I am more compassionate & understanding today than I would have been. And we all have to go through something, it seems. So my prayers & thoughts & good wishes go with you. If ever you want to talk or email me, feel free.