[…] On Wednesday, October 16th my life changed forever when my wife called with the news that our unborn son had passed away a mere two weeks before his due date. The day was surreal (for a far superior treatment of this event read my sweet wife’s account). […]
Wednesday was just a normal day. I showed up for my routine 38-week doctor appointment – my second-to-last visit. My doctor started to listen for the baby’s heartbeat. I noticed that it was taking a bit longer than usual and I could tell that he was getting a little nervous. “Stephanie, we have to find the baby’s heartbeat.” He told me to dress again and go over to get an ultrasound. Over there, as I watched on the monitor, I saw that the baby’s chest didn’t have any movement and I started to worry that this could be very wrong. He had another doctor come in and they confirmed that they had a very good view of the chest but that there wasn’t any movement. Then they started telling me how they were sorry for my loss. In my shock I don’t think I accepted it. I asked my doctor if this meant that he was positive and he was. They told me I could make some phone calls and then they left. I texted Eldon to call me immediately. At this point, it still hadn’t set in. I think I actually thought there still might be a chance that they were wrong. I told Eldon that they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat and that the ultrasound confirmed that he was gone.
Eldon came immediately to the doctor and we talked in his office. Knowing that this pregnancy and my previous ones had been healthy and low risk, I think my doctor was in shock as well because there was no explanation for it. We determined that we would induce labor that day.
In my own heart after hearing the news I felt like I could handle this. Strangely enough, I felt peace even upon hearing that my baby was gone. But I knew that as soon as I saw him and he was actually in my arms that it would be so much more to handle.
Everyone was so caring and sensitive at the hospital. Eventually I got an epidural – my hardest one yet – and a few hours later he came. I didn’t even have to push once – he just came. But there wasn’t a cry. All was quiet. The nurse wiped him off a bit and then handed him to me.
He looked just like Eldon and like the girls when they were born. He had a sweet little nose and a cute cleft in his chin. His ears were perfectly formed and his hair was about as dark as Ellie’s when she was born. I wished so much that I could see his eyes. Would they have been brown or blue? I kept waiting for him to miraculously take in a breath and be with us, but he was still and quiet. I held his sweet little hand and just stared at him.
Eventually Eldon took him while the doctor finished helping me. I felt somewhat in a daze and emotionless from the medication and the whole experience. Then I looked over at Eldon and saw him holding his sweet little boy, crying. His little buddy. His little friend who would have played baseball with him.
When the medical staff finally finished, they left us alone with him and we sobbed and sobbed. He was so perfect and so beautiful. He was so close to being a part of our family, with two sisters eagerly waiting for his arrival.
About that time, we determined that we should name him Goodwin, Eldon’s middle name. For so many months, we tried and tried and could never determine a name. I remember one time expressing that it was like a stupor of thought, and I laughingly said maybe it was a girl after all. But in that moment at the hospital, we knew Goodwin was right and it was the perfect name for this angel baby.
The nurse took him a little while later to measure and weigh him. Eventually my mom and Eldon’s parents came and they were all able to hold him. It made me so sad to see his sweet little body already deteriorating. He was so lifeless. At that time we had our final goodbyes. I kissed his sweet head and held his hand one last time.
I’ve had a flood of emotions with this experience. First of all, I have been so grateful to have peace despite the heartache. I know that he is a real person. Some people might feel anger in having to go through an entire pregnancy and then not have a baby in the end. But I did make a baby. And although he was taken from us, I do feel so grateful for the opportunity I had to make a person and carry him with me over these past months.
It’s strange how the brain tries to overcome tragedy. On one hand, my mind tells me that I was never pregnant and there never was a baby. But then I see pictures of him and remember holding him, and I feel all the regret that I will never get to be with him again in this life. He will never get to play with his sisters, and they will never get to make him laugh. Ellie will never get to hold his hand when he cries like she said she would do. I’ll never get to see him in the sweet clothes I collected or wake up to him each morning. I wonder if it is more painful to lose someone after having them, or lose someone without having the opportunity to ever know them.
I wish with all my heart that he were still alive. Despite all the uncomfortable and difficult days and nights of taking care of a newborn, I would gladly deal with those struggles just to snuggle him and comfort him.
Sometimes I feel bad that I complained so much during this pregnancy. It was so much more uncomfortable than my other ones. This experience has really softened my heart. I realize that being pregnant and having babies is a special gift.
Despite the absolute heartbreak, there have been many tender mercies along the way. We were able to choose a name and find a funeral home with considerable ease. Many, many people have been generous and the outpouring of love has been almost tangible.
Sophie has made several comforting remarks along the way. At one point, she remarked, “Well, I guess Baby Brother is in heaven with Grandma Goodwin.” Later, I asked her if she was sad that Baby Brother wasn’t here or if she was happy that he was in heaven and she said, “I’m just happy that he got a good name.” And this morning she prayed, “Please bless Baby Brother that he’ll be okay in heaven with Grandma Goodwin.” We didn’t realize it at the time, but I think naming him Goodwin let Sophie make a connection with someone she once knew, Grandma Goodwin. So even though she will never know Goodwin in this life, she can feel like he’s not alone.
Another sweet moment came when we were at the cemetery picking out the plot. We had a few options, and I noticed one of the name plaques nearby was for a baby girl named Ellie. I liked the idea of Goodwin being placed next to Ellie. About a minute after the man helping us placed a flag in the spot, the sun came out from behind the clouds and shone brightly on the ground. We felt like we had made the right choice.
I think over time we will find peace in normal life and we will be able to cope. I know there will be moments that trigger the feelings of sadness and regret. Like when I saw the girls dancing and laughing together, holding hands, it made me sad to realize that there won’t be a little Goodwin running around with them too, laughing and being silly. But then I felt happy hoping that the girls will grow closer together as they still just have each other. And I hope that there will be more children to help us fill the hole that is in our hearts.
I love you, Goodwin. I wish I could have raised you and held you a little longer. I wish we could have heard your laugh and seen you grow up to be a fine person. But for now, I will always have you in my heart as my sweet, angel baby.
Stephanie. (sigh). Today I was visiting teaching, and you were on my mind. Pres Uchtdorf said “This is the paradox of man: compared to God, man is nothing; yet we are everything to God.” And then, when Joseph Smith talks about living up to our privileges…I kept thinking about you, your sweet girls, Eldon, and little Goodwin. I think you are living up to your privileges. As a daughter of God, as a strong and faithful family, you are so gracefully facing a heartbreaking trial. You are strengthening others. Goodwin’s short life is causing so many of us to get on our knees, pray, mourn with those who mourn….be more Christ-like. Thank you for sharing what you have with us all, because through it, we are becoming better people. You are a great example to me and to many others. We are continually praying for your family.
That was beautifully written and inspiring. You are very strong and little Goodwin is with you always. I love that you are so positive, even in your sorrow; it will help heal your heart to know that you will see him again. With much love and prayers, Amber.
Oh, Stephanie, this has just made my heart ache. Ever since we received the email from Eldon on Wednesday, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about and weeping for you and your family, especially after I saw the photos. He is an absolutely beautiful little person. You and Eldon have been amazing examples of handling this incredibly difficult trial with strength and grace. I’m glad you’re been blessed with peace throughout this process. I’m continuing to pray for you. Love, Brittany
Amen, Stephanie. Amen
You are in my thoughts and prayers. It helps to share and talk.. love you.
I love you. You are very strong and brave and I admire you.
I wish I had the right words. I don’t. But, you are in all of my thoughts and prayers right now. Prayers for continued peace ~ Jenn
Stephanie, you are an amazing, strong, beautiful mother. I have been thinking a lot about our baptismal covenants and how we have committed to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. Though I can’t be there in person, I am praying for you and mourning with you in Spirit.
Thank you for your beautiful words. It is strangely comforting to me to hear how much peace you are feeling in spite of your intense grief.
Sending prayers of comfort and peace for you, Emily.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You are continually in my thoughts and prayers.
Life can sometimes be so hard. Jesus wept with friends over Lazarus’s death, that is a part of loving someone that dies. What a comfort to know that he rests saftely in the arms of Jesus. Praying for your family as you morn your loss. Draw close to the savior and know that He loves you. Jennie ( A friend of Julieanne)
This breaks my heart. I’m so sad for you and your family, even though I understand the gospel teachings and eternal families. I’m sure he’ll be watching over you all throughout your lives. May the Lord and angels be your comfort. All my condolences and love to you.
Sweet Stephanie, I remember you entering into your teens just behind our sweet Nicole. You were at that awkward age we all go through…when we are in our childhood and our teens we never can imagine what lies ahead of us…we plan on marriage and a family…but do not know what all of these experiences will encompass…you do have an angel named Goodwin….and you will miss him…but I am so proud of you and your husband for making another one of God’s children and for pulling together….God has his arms around you and your husband…names have great significance and the fact this sisters can connect with their brother Goodwin…is a testimony that choosing this name was inspired. Hugs to you from Nicole and I and give a squeeze to your folks.
Dearest Stephanie. We do not know each other and we will probably never meet, but I too lost a baby. My Sarah lived only 11 Hours. It was an infection in my body called Group B strep that took Her life, one dose of antibiotics would have saved her life.
There are few words I can say to bring you comfort, others will try and their attempts such as, “you are so blessed to have a baby that was so perfect that all he needed was a body” will often fall short. They really don’t understand that all you want at this time is your baby here with you. Be patient with them as they are trying to comfort, but truly do not understand.
Do not hide your pain and if it happens, your anger from Heavenly Father. I told Him exactly how I felt about my little Sarah not being with me and He understood, and through the mercy of the atonement took that pain and anger from me.
People who have never experienced the loss of a newborn infant do not understand the pain. The fact that there are no memories to cherish and laugh about. You love your son just as much as you love all your children and it hurts that no one else knows him and loves him as well.
Do not feel guilty when those days come when your heart is filled with so much sorrow that you can barely stand it and all you want to do is cry , or as I did, throw a shoe across the room on her 24th birthday. I have a friend, a sweet sister in her 70’s who stills goes to the cemetery and weeps at her baby’s grave. There will be times when a word on the TV will trigger a flood of tears and that is ok.
There will be other times when the Lord will send tender mercies that will bring you such joy and Comfort, like the night of what would have been her 22 birthday and she was allowed to come and be with me as I was cleaning in the Seattle Temple.
Elder Shayne M. Bowan gave a wonderful talk about loosing an infant last year at Conference. It brought me so much comfort to know that how I was feeling was normal.
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you undertake this new journey that you feel that you would never have signed up for. Do not be afraid to show others that you are hurting, you never know, whose life you might be able to bless because you were not afraid to hide exactly how you felt.
Caroline
I miscarried at sixteen weeks. Even the sorrow and the loss still brings tears to my eyes some twenty eight years later. Your comments and love bring comfort to the soul. I will be keeping Stephanie and her whole family in my prayers. Maggie
Dear Stephanie,
My heart aches for you at this time. It is a hard time. I can empathize with you. I lost a baby in June of 2006. She had Trisomy 13 and she came at 32 weeks. I found out at 22 weeks and those 10 weeks were the hardest in my life. I went on with the pregnancy and every ultrasound was heartbreaking. There was always something different found. I was being watched for my health. My husband and I prayed that we would have just 5 minutes with her. I ended up with 1 1/2 hours with her. She passed away peacefully in my arms. I still had 2 little girls to take care of and I think that is where my strength came from. My girls were 4 and 3 at the time.
From the previous comments, I gather you are LDS. Please stay close to the Lord. He will bless you in so many ways. I can just pass on to you what was told to me and my husband. We were chosen to have our little angel in our family. It doesn’t make it easier, but something to strive for to have an eternal family. Keep those memories close to your heart. No one can take them away from you. The first year is the hardest, I won’t lie!! Turn to your Heavenly Father! He knows you are suffering! Days to get easier, but grieve at your own pace. It has been 7 years, and I still have hard days. Holidays are especially hard for me. I often wonder how it would be with her with me and the family. This is your earthly journey, but you will be so blessed later. You are the true angel to carry and hold this special baby. He is absolutely beautiful!!
I have been blessed with 3 more children. They don’t replace the one I lost, but add more love to my family. I thought I was done after my loss, but Heavenly Father had more in store for me. The last 3 pregnancies were not easy! My 4th I was just nervous all the time. My 5th was a surprise and came at 30 weeks, but healthy. My 6th was another surprise, but a boy after 5 girl.
I am so sorry for you and your family. If you ever need to talk, I am available. Please contact me. kcrieger@msn.com
Love,
Charlotte-Proud mommy of 6(H-12, E-10 Charlotte Barbara-angel baby, A-6, J-4 and Z-7 months)
Stephanie, I don’t know you, but today I have wept with you. As part of my scripture study, I have asked friends for their gospel related questions so that I might search for the answers in scripture and words of the living prophets. Today I posted the “answer” I had dug up for the question, “What is the doctrinal comfort for someone who has had a miscarriage or stillbirth?” so when I saw this blog posted on facebook through probably a friend of a friend, I felt touched to read it. Again, though I do not know you, I have spent these minutes reading your tale openly weeping for your loss. I am so sorry. I am so sorry for your pain and grief. It is my prayer that Heavenly Father will bless me to take on some tiny portion of your grief so that you won’t have to suffer this part. God bless.
Becca
Stephanie, my heart is broken for you. I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing a baby. I hope those two sweet girls of yours will help bring a smile to your face on the hardest of days.
Thanks Kaley. The truth is I was also preparing to take pictures of my own sweet baby…. Thanks for your kind encouragement.