October 16th last year was the beginning of the hardest chapter of my life. Ten days before our baby’s due date, my doctor couldn’t find his heartbeat, and it was later confirmed that he had passed away (you can read about the whole experience here).
Nothing can prepare you for the death of your child, especially when it’s a baby. It’s the most difficult, soul-crushing experience I think anyone can endure. You feel vulnerable, isolated, and betrayed. Initially, you are overcome with the absolute shock that you lost a baby, but as time goes on, you realize that you lost a person. You can find happiness in normal life, but you are never the same.
This experience has been difficult because it has challenged my faith. I’m not referring to my belief in God. In no way has this experience made me question the existence of God. But it has challenged how I thought God worked. In Christianity, there is a common belief that if you do what is right, God will bless you. He will protect you. You will receive promptings to help you avoid danger. Up until Goodwin’s death, my life had generally gone smoothly. Obviously, I had difficulties, but I felt like God was involved in my life. When Goodwin died, it was very hard for me to understand why I hadn’t received some type of prompting. We were all completely blindsided. If I had received promptings and revelation before, why didn’t I receive it for something so incredibly important to our family?
People may say it was inevitable. It was God’s will. I had to go through this to learn something. It was his time to go.
But the reality is, we don’t fully understand how God works. Maybe some things happen for a reason, but in most cases, I think things happen because we live in a natural world. Our bodies aren’t perfect and people aren’t either. We can’t expect to avoid all accidents and problems. I don’t believe that God causes bad things to happen. They are just part of life. But the mystery is why it feels like God intervenes at times, and at other times does not.
This is why faith can be such a difficult issue during tragedy. If faith means that we believe God will save us from physical disaster, then what happens when we experience tragedy? Did we not have enough faith? I think this line of reasoning is dangerous because it makes our faith in God vulnerable. Instead, I believe that faith in God has much more to do with spiritual changes than physical ones. We can’t always control what happens to us. God may not always rescue us physically, but He will always come to our aid and rescue our souls as we deal with the tragedies around us. To me, this is faith: believing that Jesus Christ is the Great Physician, and trusting in His power to soften our hearts and help us find joy again.
Ultimately, I am grateful that despite tragedy, I have been surrounded by loving people who have shown our family kindness during such a difficult time. In the initial days after Goodwin’s death, the outreach of love was almost tangible. Likewise, I know that God loves us. I may not know exactly how He works, but I do know that He will help us conquer our most bitter sufferings as we turn to Him.
This print was given to me from a friend. It is by Brian Kershisnik. It’s a nice reminder to me that we are loved and not alone.
That painting belongs to our Bishop’s wife. You may have met her, Janae Baird? I just thought it was interesting that you chose that piece. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I was just thinking about you and your family today, know Goodwin’s birthday was approaching. You have handled your tragedy with such grace, strength, and openness. You are in our prayers, always.
Thanks, Jennifer. Actually, Jenae Baird was the one who gave me the print. She heard me speak in Stake Conference before we moved and came over to give me that print and told me her story. It’s a really beautiful piece.
Thank you for your faithful and beautiful words. I’ve been thinking of you this month. I also love the print you posted, it’s sweet to be reminded of heavenly strength and those on the other side of the veil who encourage and love us.
Happy Birthday to sweet Goodwin.
Thanks Jessica. I really appreciate how you’ve been so nice to me. Moving to a new ward is always hard, but you were very kind and welcoming from the beginning.
Stephanie, I appreciated your comments about faith and dealing with unexpected trials, it was just what I needed to hear. Thanks for sharing.
I appreciate your example and how you dealt with Goodwin’s death. I still think about him from time to time. He had and has a significant impact on our family.
I hear you, Stephanie. Not long after I lost my baby I was at a RS testimony meeting. A very active sister got up & bore her testimony about how her husband administered to their sick son during the night. She then told us how grateful she was for his priesthood in the home & the knowledge that nothing bad would come to their family because of this. It started to make me angry that she had said it. Then I just thought that she didn’t understand that stuff happens. When I read Joseph Fielding Smith’s biography it struck me that, even though he was the church historian & God must have known that he was the future prophet, he could do nothing for his pregnant wife & child when she was so morning sick she could not keep anything down. She & the baby both died. Spencer W. Kimball’s mother died when he was still a child & he remembered crying & crying & thinking he couldn’t go on. It’s always good to give the praise & credit to God when things go well. When things go wrong, it’s sometimes so devastating that it takes awhile to get over. Again, in President Kimball’s book: his mother lost a child in the spring (because people didn’t understand the idea of keeping outhouses away from their water supply, there were many deaths. The book said that they had to have mass funerals because there were so many.) But Pres. Kimball’s mother grieved so hard that some of the other families actually criticized her for grieving too much! I am so grateful we don’t live in those times! Gratitude has always helped me. It helped me when I lost my baby too. I was grateful that I didn’t get to know her & then lose her. For me, it would have been so much harder. I remember Beth & Douglas lived close to us then (in TX). When I told her that, she said that she thought it would be harder to never get to know the child (& she had lost two). It gave me a little comfort to think that l had a situation that I perceived as easier than losing one of my other children I had known for years, & that maybe, it happened that way since it was easier for me…but I don’t know. I do find that gratitude is always a comfort to me. I try to look at all the things that are still going well for me, my ability to see, hear, walk, talk, have friends, husband, my very life.
Steph…I saw this today when I actually got on fb to organize a gift for a dear friend from Austin who just lost her baby. I love reading about your thoughts…sweet Goodwin will always be special. I am glad you guys still have ways to celebrate him. Last year Brian Kershisnik donated two prints to our art program auction. This was one of them. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. I even bid on it but it eventually got to high for me 🙂 He has some absolutely amazing working that actually changed how I look at myself. The Church History Museum has a display (online) of his work too…